Special Delivery

It’s now been several years since you began your affair with my former husband. Notice, I did not use the words ‘took’ my husband, or ‘stole’ my husband. That would imply that a husband is a possession—an item that can be taken or stolen from another—essentially reducing him to little more than human chattel.

He was never ‘my’ property, any more than he can somehow become ‘your’ property. My husband was with me all those years because—at least at one point in time—he chose to be. Now, obviously, that changed, now didn’t it? And—seeing that he subsequently married  your money you—that means that he yet made another conscious choice. Golf clap.

Some Really Messed Up Geometry

I have to say that your sudden appearance as the hypotenuse to be used for triangulation in my marriage relationship came as quite a shock to me. Admittedly, I didn’t handle it well at first—falling apart, and crying like a love sick puppy. It took me several years to drill through my mountain of confusing emotions but slowly, like one of those gigantic tunnel boring machines, I made it through all that granite and came out on the other side to the daylight.

Today, I have a wonderful new perspective about the two of you. You may not believe this, but I’m actually very pleased that you cheaters  found each other after all this time. Everyone should have someone to love them—if that’s what they’re looking for. Trust me when I say this: you two idiots deserve each other. Seems to me that you two are—as said in the movie Sleepless in Seattle: M.F.O.E. …

  • Take, for example, how your perspectives on ‘commitment’ and relationships are so very similar. It helps partially explain your powerful attraction to each other. Kudos. I don’t know if you know it or not, but you helped me tremendously by uncovering a hidden bit of trivia for me. You see, until you came into the picture, I was being led to believe that my husband and I shared both shared identical values on love, marriage, and commitment. Well, obviously not, right? Call us old fashioned and behind the times, but we were included that outdated Judeo-Christian ’till death do us part’ thing in our wedding vows. Thank you for helping to bring that hidden mismatch to light.
  • It also appears that the two of you have similar notions on when it’s appropriate to begin and end relationships. Both of you ran off to a new continent to co-habitate with each other when neither of you were divorced, and when one of you hadn’t even bothered to notify the current spouse that change was even in the wind. But then, a heart wants what a heart wants, right? And we all know that when that happens, that nasty ‘M’ word [marriage] can become such a fly in the ointment, eh?
  • No doubt both of you carefully curated what you felt would be the best socially-acceptable euphemisms to explain away the capricious dumping of your spouses. I know that top favorites are “He cheated on me” as used by an affairing woman, and “My wife was a real  nut case” for the affairing man. It matters not to me anymore what rationalizations you used to justify breaking up two homes. All I know is that Your Lover Boy’s behavior was diametrically opposed to the values he led me believe he lived by. Once again, you were instrumental in revealing this important piece of information. I really wish I’d known it a lot sooner. Girl, what took you so long?! 
  • It also appears that the two of you share a love for the same pastimes and interests: wanderlust … traveling … fine dining … alcoholic beverage consumption … and the never-ending pursuit of worldly knowledge and higher status. Your ability to travel unfettered free of the boat anchors of devalued spouses and home obligations must be liberating and exhilarating. The novelty of your many new travel experiences will no doubt keep both of you infused with a constant drip of endorphins and oxytocin, deepening your bond and enhancing those romantic feelings.  It must be Nirvana on Earth for the two of you … My hand is over my heart right now….R mantic sigh …

Election, Rejection & Hypnotism

Seriously though, I’m sure you’ve heard it said: ‘election does not imply rejection’. I know, I know … I shouldn’t be offended. I’m sure you’d tell me that my husband didn’t reject me; he simply elected to leave me for you. And, in like manner, you didn’t reject your husband, you simply elected to leave your husband to begin joyriding with my husband. At the end of the day, no one was rejected, right? You both simply ‘elected’ new options.

Well, I’m starting to move over to your way of thinking. This whole process—despite being extremely hurtful at the time—has turned out to be an absolute blessing in disguise. While it shone the light on the similarities between the two of you, the sustained aftershocks following the initial tremblor uncovered the vast chasm of incompatibility that apparently had been laying just under the surface in our marriage. Sweet Cheeks artfully covered that chasm by hypnotizing me with imperceptible deception and feigned commitment for quite a long time. Gotta hand it to him; he’s a master at sustained subterfuge. Enjoy that, my dear. [wink, wink]

When It’s All Said & Done

But hey, I like a good romantic-comedy like the next gal, so I say long live your infatuation with each other. Infatuation can be so thrilling and hypnotic—while it lasts. I also say long live your marriage. However, even a cursory reading of the literature on marrying after an affair states that just the act of becoming ‘official’ after carrying on an affair for so long tends to tarnish the ‘shiny, new, and erotic’ that made the relationship so tantalizing and thrilling. I mean, who wants ‘boring established’ again when one has gotten used to living on hits from the crack-pipe of feel-good endorphins on steroids? But I’m sure that with the brain trust that exists between the two of you, you’ll have no trouble figuring that out.

Best Wishes To You & The Prince

I’ll end this letter by acknowledging that it’s no secret to anyone that I have a ‘wicked’ sense of humor as they say in Boston. So to that end, I’ll leave you with this humorous-yet-true disclaimer. My Marriage & Divorce policy is ‘No Deposit, No Return’.

Do us both a favor if you will. Let His Royal Highness [Mr. Kissy Face] know that should things go off the rails between the two of you, there will be no take backs. You see, I’m not Motel 6 … and unlike them … I leave NO lights on for ‘wayward’ travelers. But sweetie, please know this: there’s absolutely no rejection implied in my saying that. You see, I’m not rejecting your Darling Dumplings. I’m simply electing my ‘Ain’t No Way!’ option. In other words, he’s all yours, my dear. For time and eternity.

I think you’re gonna find [if you haven’t already] that you’ve got yourself quite a prince there. My condolences. Ribbit.